Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Please tell her, how to select the best?

This is the season of selection/election at least in this republic of India. If you succeeded in selection so is in life. This time I am here to tell you a different story and the heroine is no one but my wife. Naturally you will see a villain in me, won't you? But as the story progresses you will meet the real villain/villains of the story and will drop a few drops of tears for me!

If to be precise I have to tell you that all these happened in 1997. I was traveling to Bangalore by train with my bitter half. Some where near Palghat a vendor appeared from no where with a bundle of cashew nut packets. He was magnanimous enough to offer the packet at a sea -level-rate of Rupees sixty per Kg. Temptation made my wife pinching my thighs..

"Let us get four-five packets and distribute among our neighbors, there it is very costly"

'It costs two hundred rupees in our village it self .Then how can they sell it for sixty Rupees?"

I instantly agreed to disagree with her opinion. Her silence was louder and I can translate it for your benefit."I G..O..TT a husband who cannot spend at least three hundred bucks for his only wife...

Few months later she got a chance- if not golden but aluminium- to travel by train , same route but this time fortunately she was alone a free bird ..again history or herstory repeated a vendor appeared but this time some deal struck between the heroine and that vendor .All the way to Bangalore she was thinking of the ways and means to disburse and utilise the cashew nuts but secretly..To whom its to be given and not to whom..which dish can be prepared? On reaching Bangalore she successfully hid the packets and followed my foot steps from Railway station to our residence. That was a Sunday I was very much available there and so my wife failed to take out the hidden agenda and could not test her culinary skills! 

The next day, that is Monday ,I left for my work place , early in the morning. As my wife was away for a week time I thought of sharing that wonderful evening with her and i got the permission from my master to leave earlier. I reached home like a bullet train and rang the bell . Un usually there was no reply for a while and repeated ringing made the door opened but in a very slow motion only.

I was shocked and surprised to see my opposition leader's face. Then a pungent smell emanating from my house made my nose widened. I could smell Detol, floor cleaner lotion and I failed to identify the pungent smell. I looked at her eyes like a question mark . Suddenly the rock like lady started weeping uncontrollably wetting my (not-so) wide chest!

Here unfolds the entire story... My wife (a teacher by profession) rushed back home after classes. While crossing the main gate of our residential complex our neighbour Neha's sound fell from the sky.
' Some thing happened in your flat"

She rushed to our main door the moment she opened the main door a pungent smell pierced her long nose. She entered in with timid steps only to see the tipsy turvy world from the drawing room it self . Every thing was scattered fallen ...rice,wheat,sugar,spices,vegetables,fruits,all utensils,containers...the floor was wet and slippery with semi solid grease like thing and water...

Now the story in sequence. While going to school she forgot to remember to close the window of the balcony. Monkeys entered through it like a procession. The first attack was on fruits and vegetables. Then they pulled happily all containers and utensils, spice containers were opened they tasted the thunder and enjoyed Holy festival with spices! 

One mummy monkey pulled the lid of a container only to change the course of history! The moment she pulled the lid a huge sound emerged from her mouth...she cried out of joy. All other monkeys rushed to her to see what made her so excited? Those were the packets of cashew nuts bought and brought by none other than our heroine! the mother monkey started distributing the nuts (a per ca pita share of 100 gms of nut each) to her children, brothers, sisters,husbands...all started munching the nuts competing each other. 
But with in few minutes every body heard the first gun shot from some body's stomach . Gas and ashes started to push out of their mouth and a***s, leakage from top and bottom. They started slipping over their own vomit and dungs! some how they managed to escape through the window through which they had passed in happily with pride and prestige barely half an hour back!

The heroine cleaned the floors with all lotions and potions available in this world even then she miserably failed to hide the great smell ! That was the terrible out come of the food poisoning fathered by the cashew nut purchased from the train by none other than the......Our neighbour Mrs Hyder Ali reported to your Bangalore correspondent that" ' they heard the heart melting cry of the monkeys and thought the monkeys got electric shock' For my wife all these description of my neighbours was just like a rain of stone on a Bald's head! I consoled her and as a consolation prize I too washed the floors the "nth time , and we lived happily ever after!. The story not ends here because I got a request to all of you that " You please do not tell this story to Varun"s mom. Cashew nut vendors have been selling nuts in trains all over Kerala and let them continue the service please!"